NOT WAVING BUT DROWNING

"That’s what you get when you let your heart win."

- Paramore

Dec 8

    My parents happen to be people who make differences everytime with their kids education’s. They feel - and believe which is worse - they don’t do any difference but they actually do. The way they lie to themselves all the time is actually because they say they buy their kids presents from the same price. The thing is, they just don’t know the fact that they’re not all from the same age. And so the youngers are so so favored by the fact that they’re going to buy the same thing, for example a nintendo DS during the same year for their kids. The thing is, one is six and the other is ten. Which is so not fair on my opinion.

    Parents are not aware of the fact that what they said has always aftereffects to what they do or tell them. Even though they don’t quite always do it on purpose, they do hurt their own kids. My dad for example hurts me a lot about what he tells me, he doesn’t seem to care much about others actually. All he cares about are his stuffs/works he’s doing in our house and his work that’s not going really well. Oh and I forgot, his money, God, he’s always worried about buying himself so many things - quite expensive for most of them by the way - and you happen not to get anything then which is a pretty good feeling. Don’t you think ? 

    And, do you know that moment when you are told by your parents that you are such a mess and shit and all this because you’re not really good at school or only just because you got ONE AND ONLY bad mark. Or when you don’t know something or don’t know how to do such a thing or another but still they think you are a not-able-to-do-anything kind of person. Then you happen to feel terrible but still they don’t care. They tell you it’s for your future, for you to be someone smart and to get a job you really enjoy. But is it the actual plain truth ? Isn’t that a way for them to get themselves a better life - to get money from their children so they can have their own future better.

    Because of course, when your parents have been pushing you in a way that happens to bring you money, you usually feel grateful about them, so you want to kind of give them a reward because they were the one to push you into the one/the right direction.

    Plus, it’s always MY fault if there’s something wrong with me. They aren’t responsible for anything about what’s happening to me even though they totally are. They are never EVER going to admit it. EVER. Because they’re not aware of that. Always is my fault if I’m not happy, if I’m sad or even mad at someone/them. I don’t like the fact that sometimes they’re being coward like that. It’s aweful to feel like your parents aren’t being supportive.

    Because they’re parents, and they chose - in my case - to get kids and become parents. So, they obviously were aware of all the things that having kids would involve. Right ? Maybe getting pregnant should go with instructions on a paper showing what it all involve and what the guys are getting themselves into… It’d help a lot of people who have bad parents, they should sign a contract before getting their baby saying that they’d promise to care about their kid(s) and love them much more than their own selves. And not to EVER hurt them.

Dec 8
7- Unfair Is The Best Word To Define Life In One Word.

"Life sucks. And then you die."

- Stephenie Meyer

Nov 27

    Do you know what it’s like to have honey stuck in your hair ? Well at that very moment I do ! But you don’t want to know why or how it happened.

    Anyway, I thought it would be great to write down some poetry, what do you think about that ? So that’s what I did because it helps a lot to just, you know, write downn how you feel about such thing or another without anyoen judging you because they all think what you write is fiction - people who don’t really know you will think so, trust me.

    As you probably have noticed before, I love quotationsn I’m fond of them. At that very moment I’m still trying to figure out which one I’m going to publish before this post. I’m thinking of some athor you guys probably don’t know. Or maybe Virginia Woolf… ? But, I might change my mind though.

    I’ve been watching MTV’s “Awkward.” lately (season two was on air this summer) and I don’t know whether if you know that show or not but I really enjoy watching it - I’m team Matty from the very beginning by the way. If you like that kind of tv shows when you actually don’t have to think while watching it, then it’s perfect. And funny sometimes. You only understand why they called it “Awkward.” when you’ve actually watched a couple episodes.

    Whatever, has anyone ever asked you to sleep with them - only just to have sex, I mean ? Was that somebody you knew already ? Well, obviously, as I’m asking, it did happen to me.

    The worst part is I know him because he’s in one of my class, that’s aweful. Such an awkward situation, I swear. I hate dudes like that. Plus, that guy isn’t even cute, to me - I’m not saying I would have slept with him otherwise, I just wish he would have been cute.

    If EVER it happens to you, if that guy only wants to sleep with you once or to sleep with you without going out with you like being in a relationship, then don’t sleep with him. Even though you love him and he’s been your big crush for ever. 

    Yuo’d regret it all your life. You’d feel really bad and… just watch “Awkward.”, it’ll explain you that way better than me. Might convince you.

    Have you ever written a dairy or something of that kind ? I did. Don’t you feel you kind of never say the plain truth while writing it ? Because that’s how I used to feel when I wrote stuffs in it.

    I couldn’t help saying stupid things. Useless things. And couldn’t even write the truth in it.

    It felt weird. Still does.

    I like blogging at the moment, it helps a lot with all the things I’m going through even though, nobody really read what I write.

    I think I’ve changed a lot and I still am, just like everyone else and blogging about you and the way you think at a very moment of your life helps you figuring out who you are and why you’re acting so weird sometimes.

    We all change, phisically and psychologically during ouy whole life. From birth to death we are both different and the same. We pretty much all think we’re still the same during our whole life but we’re not. Think of someone who lost their memory. They no longer are the same because they don’t remember anything about all their experiences. They no longer know what life is like and what happened in theirs lifetime. They changed to people who used to know them before - watch ‘The Notebook” if you want to know anything else about that.

    What I want to show you is the fact that people are the same thanks to their memories, they are who they are because of their memories. Otherwise, they might not have been the way they are now.

    If I would have stayed in the same city all my childhood and would have been spending my teenagehood with the same guys I might not be who I am because I wouldn’t have been through all the things I have been through.

    No one knows this for sure but it is my own humble opinion.

    Anyway, I like who I am now. Most of people don’t but the thing is… I don’t care what they think.

    Oh and by the way, I still can’t figure out which accent is the sexiest between the British and the American one. I’d say the British one is but the American one can be so, depending on who’s talking. I’ll tell you what, if Ian Somerhalder was the embodiement of the American accent, then it’s be the sexiest. But if Ed Sheeran was the embodiement is the British one, then I’d say the British one would win. Plus, British guys are well-dressed like ALL THE TIME !

    Emma Watson once said “American guys wear flip-flops and I’m not sure I like that.” [on Ellen’s, I love that woman]. Pretty much shows the reason why most girls want to date British guys instead of Americans. [Hate Emma Watson even though I love Harry Potter].

    Ugh, that was a big deal, wasn’t it ? I know, I suck, I’ve been told I did a lot for a while now. Used to hurt. Does not any more.

    Did you ever feel like your parents are being selfish ? I don’t say I’m not but parents are supposed to be supportive and all this, you know. Well, my dad is more than I thought have would have been.

    My mom’s not. I mean not at all. I don’t like the place I live in. I hate being here. It’s been almost siw years that I’ve moved here but still I can’t bear being here. It feels aweful all the time. People are so not frank and use you like they should use things. Hayley Williams said “Love people, not things. Use things, not people.” Well, as expected people in here have never ever heard of Paramore.

    Anyway, my mom and I just had a fight about the fact that I want to leave this place next year as I’m going to college. I just want to change my life, you know. Be who I really am. Completely. I want to tell the plain truth about who I am at the end of this school year on that blog because it would mean I feel fine - or way better - than I do now.

    She - my mom - just told me she was not ok with the fact that I want to leave. “You’re not the only one to feel like you don’t belong here !”, she said, “Well, at least I haven’t choosen being here !”, I answered. She didn’t know what to answer so anyway I left the room. I can’t believe she actually just said that. When you’re her age you choose what’s going on in your life or at least you try not to move at the opposite place where you used to live !

    It came out because my dad started talking about me leaving that place and what would be the living conditions if ever I did go live there.

    I hate such evenings ! It feels aweful ! I don’t want to talk to my mom any more when that kind of situation happen… And it feels weird. 

    Really weird. And lonely over and over again.

    You know what ? Life sucks ! [This was the last word of the day].

Ps: I wrote this yesterday evening, just writing it down on the computer for you guys as it’s Sunday afternoon.

Nov 25
6- Writing Is The Only Way To Get Through Life

"By the truth we are undone. Life is a dream. ‘Tis the waking that kills us. He who robs us of our dreams robs us of our life."

- Virginia Woolf

Nov 25

"I got nothing left inside of my chest but it’s all alright."

- fun.

Nov 24

    I wondered a few times why I’m writing that blog and why not more or less often than I do.

    I guess I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on in my life and in my head at that very moment of my life. About the fact that I only blog once or twice a week, I guess the reason is that I don’t have much time and don’t really want to have some because otherwise I would have to live ith everything I’ve noticed about me and the people I’m hanging out with. And it’s be too aweful.

    Pain is a really powerful feeling, I like to compare it with loneliness because thses are two feelings that usually come together at a very moment of your life.

    God, I’m in the couch on my way home while writing this, there are a lot of kifs in here. Have I said already how much I hate kids who are aged from 6/7 to 18 (20 for guys) ? I like babies but I don’t like when they scream/cry without any reason.

    My mom usually says when a kid cries without any reason, then you just have to hit them - when they’re not too young, of course - so they get aware of the reason why they’re crying. I think she’s right - if the kid is old enough to understand such a thing though.

    Plus, I hate the fact that kids swear like all the time because it’s “cool”, you know what I mean, right ? They swear the more that they can so they look limitless and sort of rebels. Except they sound aweful and way too young to say some… kind of words.

    Then, kids always tell you how proud they are that something you’ve always wanted to happen to you actually happened to them INSTEAD OF YOU ! I hate people like that. Same thing with marks at school.

    Do you know that BOOK untitled the perks of being a wallflower ? In case you don’t - it sucks, you’d better buy it the sooner you can because it’s awesome - it’s the story of Charlie, a fifteen-year-old teenager who is aware of everything around hom but never tells anyone what he’s seen or heard. That’s why he’s called a wallflower. Anyway, I kind of feel like him sometimes. Because I see and know thing that I often wish I wouldn’t have to. The thing is that it’s not a good feeling at all. Sometimes you feel like you’re invisible to everyone - not a great feeling - and that no one cares whether if you’re here or not because you never ever say a word anyway.

    That’s loneliness. Dude, I feel so lonely at that very moment ! [Wanted to write down the word “dude”, that is all]. Loneliness is a shape of pain - it’s quite horrible.

    I’m in a terrible mood today - that must be because I’ve watched the two - ONLY - seasons of the series untitled ” Awkward.” in only one evening and two hours this morning. Didn’t sleep much tonight about that - TIRED !

    Finally getting home in 3, 2, 1… !

    Here is what I’ve written in the couch this afternoon. Just thought it would be great to blog about that.

Nov 23
5- Loneliness Is Pain(ful).

"We’re teenagers, we count the years we think we’re smart but we’re not. We don’t know anything."

- Hayley Williams

Nov 23

    People forget a lot of things all the time. First, the fact that everytime they say something on social networks, they always forget that every single person in the world is able to see that post. So, they basically just post a lot of things about people but still forget those people are actually able to see them. And recognize themselves. Of course, they don’t make any effort to hide who they are talking about or talking to.

    They say it really clearly like “my best friends don’t talk to me anymore, I feel so lonely right now”. Come on, girls - most of those people are girls - what are you expecting from your friends to do ? They are not going to come to see you and just say “Oh, I’m sorry Sweetie, I didn’t know you felt so bad, it’s true, you have hudge problems while I don’t.” Really ? I mean, ALL OF US HAVE PROBLEMS.

    Then, what I’ve noticed about some people is the fact that they forget really really often when they are actually talking out loud that EVERYONE can hear them talking or criticizing someone.

    Third, I always tell a lot of things to my best friend, but still she forgets the whole important thing and remembers the things I wish she would have forgotten at the second I’d have prounonced such a thing. She thinks a lot of things about what I do or who I like, who I chose to hang out with but never really tells me what’s on her mind. And the worst part is she added most of my friends on Facebook just to make sure I am closer with them than I am with her.

    I don’t know whether if you know what it’s like to feel like you’re watched and spied all the time but I do now. She has a look at most of my conversations on Facebook with people in private messages - because she has my password while I don’t have hers. She even added some friends of mine on Skype ! We don’t even go to the same school - I have to give you the details because they matter quite a lot here. That is so weird, I hate this feeling.

    Fourth, when Christmas comes, my parents always look forward for presents for my - little - brother and I. But, as usually, my Mom and Dad come to me for my brother’s presents, so this year, I answered it would be a great idea to buy him an iPod touch because that’s what he wanted. But obvisouly, my parents told me it would be better for him to have his own computer… I mean, he’s jjust turned thirteen ! THIRTEEN ! I got mine when I turned fourteen and I thought it was pretty early so, thirteen really is early. Way too early.

    Anyway, my parents asked me what I wanted - I can’t even have a suprise for Christmas, that’s awesome ! - and I told them what I wanted but they immediately said it was no way I would have that because it was way too expensive, “plus we wouldn’t be able to buy something that expensive for the both of you” said my Mom - my parents want to buy presents which are the same price for the both of us. So, I think they are going to buy me a camera. A beautiful and useless camera.  

    I mean, I’m not complaining about something I might have but I don’t want it because it’s not expensive enough or something. I’m just trying to explain that my parents don’t even pay attention to what I want or need - I need a new cellphone, that’s all I ask for now.

    I’m about to cry right now. Nobody ever pays attention at me. “Give me attention, I need it now.” - paramore. I really feel like Hayley when she wrote this lyric, I swear. Because when it gets any better, I feel like I’m headed for a cliff, like  in Paramore’s ‘Turn It Off’, you know. I feel ok but then suddently I feel really really bad and don’t want to get any further in life sometimes. 

    Fifth, if ever you feel like I feel right now or even worse, come talk to me, I swear, if I can help, it would be really great. I only wish I would have had someone to talk to. Someone who would give me some piece of advice about what to do in life. It is horrible to both feel like I do and being lonely, so please, come talk to me. I don’t want anyone to get through what I’m going through at that very moment. You have to stop that feeling before it kills you whole.

Nov 23
4- What People Forget All The Time

"And the worst part is, before it gets any better we’re headed for a cliff. And in the free fall I will realize I’m better off when I hit the bottom."

- Paramore

Nov 21